What do they see?

What is it that people see in others that makes them fall in love with that specific person? You hear people say I loved him/her from the moment I laid eyes on them. From the moment I was old enough to know about family a dad a mom and children I have always dreamed of some day having my own family just like it. While yes I did it out of order as some may say, I have my pride and joy. I just wanted her to grow up with a dad not be like me and look she is seven now and I am no closer to getting married now then I was when I was young. Funny how life or God makes the decisions for you. People say we have a free will but in all reality we have just choices that is it, nothing more nothing less because with every choice there is a consequence whether good or bad, the outcome is inevitable because God knows all, sees all, and ultimately controls all. So really there is no free will just free choice. So choose wisely my friends!

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you it never takes to long. I never wanted anything so much as to drowned in your love and not feel your rain..... Set me free, leave me be, I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity..... I am disappointing to myself, for letting God down, not succeeding, His words screaming clawing at my ears each replay brings more pain and brokenness. Heaven forbid I want a life with out you around 24-7......who says that? He drained the life right out of me...... ....something always brings me back to you it never takes to long.....but this time I'm not going back

Am I Doing The Right Thing?

I blocked and unblocked repeatedly trying to keep the ball in my court. I wanted to scare him bad enough, but things are not going to change not even after the worst breakdown so far. Not a clue except about himself the only one he seems to care about well you know what? That couple can be there for him and take my place, cause they never visited him in the hospital when he almost died or at all that I know of and yet I'm still on the back burner. Well screw the stove Im hopping off. I deserve better I am worth it I keep repeating to myself. Plus anyone who makes me respond to my loved ones in anger doesn't have a place in my life. So goodbye for now we shall see what the future holds but my little one is my priority. I guess it's gonna have to hurt, I guess I'm gonna have to cry, And let go of some things I've loved, To get to the other side, I guess it's gonna break me down, Like falling when you try to fly, It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life, Starts with goodbye.

*INSANITY*

What is it they say....... The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over expecting different results! Yep that pretty much sums up my life just not consciously, Not something I prefer anyway. On the other hand I have been coming across some different things in life lately and I have come to the conclusion my life isn't that bad after all. A lady at the drug store whose face has apparently caught on fire in the past works her butt off with 2 jobs and has a lot of guts and courage to show her face in public I know at first it might have been hard for her but she conquered it and got back up on her horse and grabbed life by the reigns and is taking off when if it were me that had happened to I don't think I would ever want to show my face in public again, where is that courage and determination cause I want some of it! my point is is there are people out there who have it far worse than I could imagine and here I am complaining and feeling down over the stupidist stuff! How dare I? I am actually quite ashamed of myself! But can God ever forgive my stubbornness? I want and thought I have given it all over to Him but someone said to me I keep taking it back and trying to fix it myself, which I never realized until he said that, maybe I thought God was taking to long so I had to scoot in and help idk? Maybe I heard the saying God helps them who helps themselves.......I used to feel so strongly against going to hell and I heard a sermon that made me question am I only loving God so I don't have to go to hell? What is the real reason I was serving Him.....and my mind began to wonder. I want a real relationship with God I want to feel His presence and actually feel His comfort when I need it. I was made for something great something bigger and I know I am meant to impact this planet somehow, someway,I want to make a difference, when my time comes what will I be leaving behind? I am so tired of every relationship failing? Im not that difficult to love......I am worth it! And yet here I am single once again! what is so wrong with wanting to be held and loved and wanted if He created me this way then I think He should find someone who is willing to stick around not play all-of-the-sudden-bachelor. People now a-days are ungrateful and selfish and greedy all I want to do is survive, I don't ask for much! And yet here I am.........

What am I doing?

There comes a time when your heart is so broken everything reflects your pain. I don't understand how someone can have so much control over the way you eat, sleep, breathe, behave and dream. This person has brought nothing to my life but heartache and pain and completely drained me of me. I know longer know who I am and I am more drained then I was when I started. I thought he was the one and yet here I am ALONE once again! And yet I cave in, why just to remind you something you haven't forgotten? For my pleasure, or for the sake of knowing Im still bound to its control? The pain is sometimes unbearable and I no longer want to carry-on but you aren't worth it! So why cant I let go and move on with this life that has so been patiently waiting for me. What is wrong with me? I need a fucking intervention?

What is Love?

At one time I thought I knew the answer to this question but as time has gone by I find myself wondering what true love really is and does it actually exsist? Will Someone ever love me the way I need them to....unconditionally? I now more then ever need someone to love me to hold me to comfort me when I am sad to desire to be with me and no one else to feel like they could never live without me does that exsist? Will I ever find that person? Probably not!
And that leaves me with this answer.....I will never know!

Its been awhile!

So here I am once again< So much has changed
except me I guess....Or maybe I have!
So I do not write as much as I used to I really miss
it though......
hopefully more entries to follow.
Encouragement would be nice...........